1. |
"A Good Start"
03:17
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my body began to atrophy
i had been sitting still for so long
with shaking limbs, i began to walk
stubbornly forcing myself to be stronger
than i was back when i used to trace my steps down the winding streets late at night
bumming cigarettes
felt the cold hard concrete underneath my feet
brushing past, i began to sink into the hardwood floor
from where i thought i'd be this year
to where i've ended up once more
and i'm counting seconds on the clock
drilling holes in your head each time we talk
and i'm still waiting to get through
and i won't be falling on my cross
even when you turn to me and say
"it's over now, we've lost"
invite me over to your house on new year's eve
i'd never tell you any of the things that you wouldn't believe
lacking patience and purpose, i quickly deserted my position at the back of the crowd
started carrying on conversations with everyone but never out loud
trying hard not to blow it, i waited for the moment for adrenaline to reach its peak
but i got tired of waiting, i went forward and feigning great in difference i began to speak
but the words were out of order
the sentences came out wrong
to this day, my voice sounds alien when i'm singing my own songs
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2. |
Beater
03:47
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that night i saw your brakelights
from halfway down the road
when i was doing what i wasn't supposed to
was worried that you'd know
and the money that our parents gave us
it got us what we needed
why not push a little poison into my lungs?
you know, life's so fleeting
go ahead and blow that stop sign
coming round the bend
why not start a revolution?
don't you know how these things end?
and i'm choosing not to read the story
though i know just how it goes
when i put the strings in the wrong places, it's cause i'm in the throes
of the worst time of my life
turn out the nightlight
so don't forget to feed the parking meter
when you drive around that beater
that your mom left for you all those years ago
don't hesitate to let me into your life
i'm really not that nice but i can act any way you want me to
that night i staked myself out
for the following few weeks
oh please forgive me
don't you know that i've been working like a freak?
and the tattoo on my left arm
reminds me of the ways that i've
gone back on all my promises
since the oxford comma waved goodbye
that was eight months ago
but i know you're not letting this one go
so don't forget to feed the parking meter
when you drive around that beater
that your mom left for you all those years ago
don't hesitate to let me into your life
i'm really not that nice, but i can act any way you want me to
for the first time in my life
i'm choosing not to fight
so don't forget to feed the parking meter
when you drive around that beater
that your mom left for you all those years ago
don't hesitate to let me into your life
i'm really not that nice, but i can act any way you want me to
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3. |
If I Talk Too Loud...
02:50
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if i talk too loud
put your hand around my throat
angry and proud
a real reason to gloat
if you feel out of place
remember this then:
not a moment goes by
i'm not crawling in my skin
if you could typify anxiety you'd see
a picture of me
run me around in circles
in the back of my head
i'll be likely to surface
when everyone's dead
if i could share what i've found
you'd be astounded at the depth of my self loathing
if i talk too loud
put your hand around my throat
angry and proud
a real reason to gloat
go ahead and call me out
see how it goes
"is grandpa pissed at me man?"
"uhhh no"
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4. |
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wanna watch my house burn down on a monday afternoon
a morbid spectacle designed to reveal the true
nature of all the wood and bone and brick and stone
that was used to erect the structure i'm standing on
i wanna say a thousand things i wish i'd never said
and watch the words fall out completely devoid of context
so i have the joy of explaining myself
oh, once again
oh, once again
i wanna kill the time
and forget all my lines
oh, please excuse me
i need to wave goodbye to everyone i care about
and tell them that i don't know what i'd do or where the hell i'd be without them
wanna pass up every opportunity that comes my way
trade realization for destructive tendencies and patterns
that are so hard to escape
wanna watch myself fail at everything i set my mind to
so that i can sit here feeling sorry for myself, yeah
i wanna kill the time
and forget all my lines
oh, please excuse me
i need to wave goodbye to everyone i care about
and tell them that i don't know what i'd do or where the hell i'd be without them
i wanna sedate myself
i wanna pummel myself to sleep
until i'm stuck inside a dream
and you can't get ahold of me anymore
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5. |
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whether you're opening me up
or swallowing me whole
it doesn't matter much to me
so long as i retain control
you know my disposition towards
arrogance
it's not uncommon among people
my age
but i should learn
when to just shut up and listen
it would probably serve me well
in places other than the kitchen
so i hope one day
i'll be able to do it
because i know that if i don't
i'll look up one day and know that i blew it
and when the cold sets in
i will move and fold into myself
it doesn't make a difference
i'm still going to hell
and my grandma always said,
"we take the bitter with the butter"
but all bets are off the way you made my stomach flutter
you made me run for cover
my almost, less-than lover
still can't talk to my mother
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6. |
Spring Break, 2017
02:51
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you don't have to act
you know the truth
under fluorescent lights
with those canisters of film
for just one night
i won't hold my breath
for a reply
you don't have to lie any longer
i've played all of my songs
they don't sound right
i will be furtive
no, i won't lie
about my intentions
when you look me in the eye
we don't have to talk
i know you're right
but i will follow my own course
when my chest starts to get tight
will you sing these songs for me
when i can no longer sing?
because it's more important to be there
than anything
i will be furtive
no, i won't lie
about my intentions
when you look me in the eye
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7. |
Well...
03:44
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stepped out into the freezing night
and i've been struggling to find anything i did right
as i descend down the wall
of this bottomless pit of self-loathing
stumbled around drunkenly in your alley
trying to find my way home
if i could i'd gladly
stay right here
never change
while everyone i know is succeeding all around me
and here we are again
i've circled back
and now i'm waving goodbye to my friends
and all the paint in my hair
and my yellowing teeth
would make you wonder if i'm taking care of myself
and my body feels like it's falling apart
don't engage or provoke me
don't get me started now
well here we go again
i feel like everything is crumbling around me
and i don't know what to do about the fact
that in the past few days
everything that i thought was reality
is being reassessed
and the ephemeral stage
of my youth has passed
and i've been thrust into a world that makes me feel like an ass
every time i try
to think for myself
i hear a voice that's calling me
telling me to ask for help
and my body feels like it's falling apart
don't engage or provoke me
don't get me started now
you always told me not to lie
but the truth is, you wouldn't know the truth if it looked you directly in the eye
well here we are again
i share the same fears
but i'm choosing to throw caution to the wind
yeah, i'm older, it's true
and a little bit wiser
but i'm just as confused
as i was back then
and my body feels like it's falling apart
don't engage or provoke me
don't get me started
don't get me started now
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8. |
Closer
03:18
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midnight passes for the third night in a row
i wanna get out, but i don't know where i'll go
i lie down and i breathe
and try to pretend you're sitting here
next to me
but all the longing in the world
couldn't bring you any closer
so set your clock back and we'll
try to pretend you came over
for every cigarette i smoke
i burn a tiny hole in the bottom of your heart
and this quilt that we've sewn
that keeps on growing
keeps me from falling apart
but all the longing in the world
couldn't bring you any closer
so set your clock back and we'll
try to pretend you came over
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9. |
Death Wish
03:07
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i gotta get out of this place
cause all the work is starting to feel like a waste
i could be making a list of everything nice
i could be making a life
instead i feel like the knife
at the throat of my every accomplishment
i say, "i'd rather be home"
they say, "you gotta pay rent"
i've got a
death wish and i'm making it known
cause all my clothes lately
have smelled like cigarette smoke
and i'll be watching myself with the utmost of caution and care
i'm scared
i gotta get out of this town
because i can't shake the feeling no one wants me around
cause i'm vociferously making complaints
about the people i live with
and the colors of paint
i am not interested in anything you have to say
won't you please shut the fuck up?
stay the fuck out of my way
i've got a
death wish and i'm making it known
cause all my clothes lately have smelled like cigarette smoke
and i'll be watching myself with the utmost of caution and care
i'm scared
you may think i'm condescending
but i don't wanna come off that way
i'm just not abject, and i object
to anything that'd make me less-than-okay
so when i leave, you can rest easy
cause you know i won't ever look back
so excuse my acerbicness, i'm just servicing
the things i know to be facts
i've got a
death wish and i'm making it known
cause all my clothes lately have smelled like cigarette smoke
and i'll be watching myself with the utmost of caution and care
i'm scared
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10. |
Abandoned Properties
03:07
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there's a cigarette burn in the corner of my eye
a fire in my gut i couldn't put out if i tried
he's ripping pages from your book
just wants to see you cry
and on the long ride home
you can see those buildings touch the sky
and when he wakes up
will he remember you?
and all the abandoned properties
that the two of you broke into?
at 4 am i begin to sink into the hardwood floor
from where i thought i'd be this year
to where i've ended up once more
and i'm counting seconds on the clock
drilling holes in your head each time we talk
and i'm still waiting
to get through
and when he wakes up
will he remember you?
and all the abandoned properties
that the two of you broke into?
and what will you do when the well dries up?
when you have no place left to go?
and what will you do when he gives you
all the unsolicited advice
you never wanted to hear?
when i wake up
i'll remember you
and all the abandoned properties
that the two of us broke into
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11. |
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express your satisfaction
while i'm stuck inside a dream
while i'm watching foreign movies
about cultish melodies
while i'm making the investments
in everything other than my future
i am moving forwards, i'm not moving backwards;
I'M NOT MOVING.
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Noah Roth Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
just a person who makes things
Noah Roth recommends:
TRANSGENDER SUPERSPACE
by leor miller's fear of her own desire
leor is my bff and she made this rly wonderful record late last year! she also has nine others! quit wasting yr time w me, go listen to leor!
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